Is there anybody out there?

[Shane]

I'm doing the best to help myself and find help. It's so difficult without insurance. I have to wait a month before I even have orientation for my city's outpatient program. It seems like help is just a joke, and everyone who's supposed to help me is just laughing at me behind my back.

I found this place but it seems like a dead zone. I am the only person online right now. All the other online support communities are just like this one though.

So I don't know; I'm starting to think that nobody will help me but me. And I know it's all up to me in the first place. I'm just so frustrated that for once I'm seeking help, and nobody is helping me. They give me a phone number and all I end up with is 5 more phone numbers. Some of them don't even listen to me. Nobody is taking me seriously and this is such a serious matter. These "professionals" are supposed to at least try to help me. Obviously, my city's Dept. of Human Services is failing miserably.

Funny how this all started with me giving up on myself. Now I'm finally starting to give up on everyone else. I can only depend on myself for once. So I dunno, I'm here. Who knows if this online community will help, but here is my first attempt at trying.

Hi.

[JudyO]

Hugs and welcome Shane!!!!!
NA literally saved my life and it can help you as well, there is Hope after Dope!! If you are seeking online meetings, I can share 2 of my links with you:
www.earthgroupna.org and www.ukna.org/chat.
if there is anything that I can do to help you or share ESH please feel free to send me a message.
((Hugs)))
JudyO

[Jerry R]

Hi Shane,
You made the connection between depression and drug use which is good. If drugs were the problem, then everyone who stopped using would instantly be cured and there would be no purpose to the 12 Steps and we would not have Sex Addicts, or Gambling Addicts. The truth is addiction is a symptom of a bigger problem.

After getting clean I actually felt worse than I did when I was using. I learned this is very common and is the most direct connection to the idea that I started using to feel better which means before using I must have felt bad and therefore I have some work to do.

I have seen over and over again, people get clean and do nothing to address their issues. Slowly over time they get harder and harder to deal with. The only thing I have seen that has a lasting effect is continual practice and application of the 12 steps. Working them honestly and with the invitation of a Higher Power in the process gives me relief from my obsessions, compulsion, and addictive behavior.

I have known people that got on the psychiatric medication merry-go-round for years and years only to discover that the real problem was unresolved issues. They dealt with the issues and surprisingly no longer needed the meds. I cannot give you medical advice and I would never to tell you to start or stop taking meds - that is between you and your doctor. I will say that while you are "waiting" you might just give NA or AA an honest effort. You might be surprised at how quickly you will find some relief.

[Ms Jean]

Hello Shane, I haven't read all the other comments but I'm sure our family here has given you some good suggestions. The 12 step program has helped many of us including me. It takes 1 day at a time. 90 meetings in 90 days, a addict may come to their first meeting still using but keep coming back, it works. God Bless You
Ms Jean

[srfranci]

Shane,
Welcome to ORS, and welcome to our family. Your story has touched many of us as you can see. All these responses must make you feel like someone out there really cares. We do. You mentioned before that this is just another website and that they are all the same. I am here to say that this website has changed my life. I am not just saying that. I truly believe it has helped me realize that there is hope down the road that one day I will be "normal" That someday I will be me again. The person that created this wonderful site is truly gifted. This is a place where we can vent and tell all. You have taken a huge step in finding us, and incredible courage to tell us your story. I am not a therapist or a doctor, nor do I have the magic words to cure you, but I too suffer from depression. It is an ongoing struggle for me. Please know that you will not be judge by anything you say. We are all here to support each other and that is why this is a great family. It's all about taking baby steps forward and not looking back. Take one day at a time..

You mentioned that you were not sure whether the drugs were making you depressed. Many factors can contribute to a person becoming depressed, and alcohol or drug use are two factors that do make depression more likely to occur. Many people have the wrong impression and think that alcohol is a stimulant, but it is actually a powerful depressant. Depressed people often use alcohol to try to feel better or fit in socially, but this “self-medication” results in the opposite effect – greater depression. Please continue to get the help you need by a professional and most importantly, continue to take your meds. Give this "family" a chance to help you. Everyone has a voice. Everyone has a story and we are hear to listen, not judge.
Peace and love,
~Sadie

[Shane]

Thanks again for all the advice. I know a lot but am always looking to learn more.

I have had problems with drug addiction, but I've had more problems with depression. The depression is probably from drugs anyway lol, but for me right now, I'm trying to deal with those emotions.

I probably know more about depression than drug addiction, yet I still have trouble fighting it. I know a certain part of it is self-caused, and there's lots I can do about it, but knowing and doing are two completely different things. I think cognitive therapy would help, and that's what I'm trying to do. But things like, taking a negative thought and turning it positive, make me feel so stupid when I'm depressed. And I'll look back on when I was happy and not like the person I was. I want to be happy, but trying feels wrong.

So I guess I'll always be an addict, even if I'm sober. I can deal with that. But my main problem right now is depression. I can stay clean. Right now I'm just trying to figure out how to feel better until counseling finally starts. Yet addiction and depression can go hand in hand, so that's why I'm here.

I'm not playing down the addiction, and I will do all I can to help myself for that. I'm just saying, I think I need more help with depression right now.

[Jerry R]

Shane,
You look like a young guy so maybe you will relate a little to my story.

I went into a program on Feb 16th 1985. I was 18 and was BY FAR the youngest person there. After a month the program ran out of money and I had to choose - go back where I was or go to another program. I chose the program.

The second program was a hard-core attack therapy program where I lasted about a month and a half, then I split. My first call was to an old using buddy who refused to come pick me up. My second call was to my grandmother who I was living with at the end of my using. I moved back to San Francisco. My third call was to my mom to let her know I split. She suggested I call AA and hung up - LOL. Because I had been exposed to AA at the first program I thought I would give it a try.

I went to a meeting that night, and after sharing a little someone suggested I go check out NA as my story was more drug related. I didn't know enought to be offended by that, I just thought I was at the wrong place.

The next night I want to an NA meeting. And the next night. and for the next 3-4 months I went every day to at least one NA or AA meeting (back then there was not an NA meeting every day). After about 5 months I totally stopped going. The first time I want to an old using spot I got loaded - surprise, everything everyone said was true!

I knew that was not what I wanted. That night I went back to an NA meeting and a few days later moved into a clean and sober living house. I went to a meeting every day. I went to dances, events, softball, whatever. I totally immersed myself into the 12 step fellowships. After a time I found that as more NA meetings became available I gravitated to NA and today that is where I work my program.

It's been 23 years. I have been homeless and jobless but I have NEVER been friendless. I can completely imagine what my life would be like if I had not got clean and stayed clean. I see it every day in new members like yourself that tell me that drugs don't work. I have a 20 year old daughter that is clean and in NA, my wife is in NA. I have a sponsor and sponsee and still work steps, go to meetings, and am of service to NA.

Go to the meeting. Reach out in the same way you did here. If no one reaches back, don't be discouraged - most addicts are selfish assholes and you don't want what they have anyway. Go to another meeting and reach out again. It will not take long before someone tosses you a rope.

As Jeffrey said, it's up to you to climb up it. You may not be responsible for your disease (and addiction is a disease) but you are 100% responsible for your recovery. You can spend alot of money on treatment programs and they can be very beneficial. They give you a place to detox and learn a little about addiction. It's my opinion that the most important thing they teach you is how to find a 12 step program.

If I can give you one suggestion that has helped me over the years is to absolutely, positively, no matter what happens, don't pick up. Clean there is always a way out of a situation. Loaded all bets are off.

Look for a sponsor that has what you want - you don't need to pick one at the first meeting. Find the guy who has a light in his eye. Ask other people what they think of him. Talk to him and if he makes you a bit uncomfortable - he's probably perfect.

Good luck.
Jerry R

[Rob C]

Hey Shane, I'm glad everyone else got back to you quicker than I did. I know that if life is good for me I tend to do less time on these boards. So, good for me , not so good for you. I shall try and amend that. I cannot add much to the above comments other than NA saved my life. For almost 12 years I have been clean and getting better as a direct result of the program of Narcotics Anonymous. Treatment is great for tools, but 12 step programs are a way to live. I hope I hear more from you.

~Rob

[Shane]

Wow, thank you everyone for the kind words and support. I'm very knowledgeable of what I'm going through but finding help has been the most difficult part. So thank you all for helping.

I don't know exactly how in-depth I can go with my problems, considering this is a public online community and everyone has the internet these days (just not sure about my privacy), but I will tell you that I am going through some sort of depression at the moment. I haven't used yesterday and I won't use today.

I've printed my area's NA schedule and am planning to go tonight. I've been thinking about it for a while now. I'm nervous and anxious to go, but I'm going to force myself to do it, just as I have to force myself to do everything else at this time. I'm going to go through the rest of your references, but it's almost as if I'm in slow motion sometimes so it might take me a few days lol.

Jeff, very funny. Thank you for making me laugh. And everyone, there aren't enough good people in the world. This place seems to be full of good people.

I'll be checking back and stuff. I'll, um, get around to reading the rules or whatever for the site. If anyone has anything to add, go for it. Again, thank you all so much.

[Jeff Robbins]

It is your life and your responsibility. you can cry about it or do what millions have done without treatment. Stop using, get your ass to a meeting, listen carefully, raise your hand, and say, "I am new. I need some help." Then don't take anything right now. Also, don't use while you are breathing or in between breaths.

Buy a Basic Text of Narcotics Anonymous. Put it in the bathroom and read one chapter per bowel movement. It is very cathartic reading.

If treatment really worked addicts wouldn't have to do 3 or more times. All that they tell you in treatment is that 95% of those there won't stay clean for a year and that treatment doesn't work unless you follow it up with regular attendance at meetings, step work with a sponsor, and regular service commitments.

So, love yourself enough to stop using and stay stopped. Or.... you can use hard, fast and fatally. Just decide what you want to do and do it. The rest of us out don't really have any power to affect what you are going to do with your life.

Jeff R.
2/22/89 clean date.

[taz]

many places to find us such as a meeting .
the online places that have already been layed out are good. such as www.nachatroom.org
but I must say I have been to V-beach area and found one of the more powerful loving fellow ships I encountered in my travels. catch me on line any time at the places I sent to you in my invite good luck and no matter what don't pick up and keep comming back
TAZ